6 lies parents tell their kids—like ‘if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything,' says psychologist

Almost every parent tells their kid little lies. Stories about Santa and the tooth fairy spark excitement and joy. But not all fibs have a positive effect.

I'm a psychologist who's spent over 20 years working with parents, and I've seen the lies that well-meaning parents occasionally tell. Sometimes, they're meant to protect a child's feelings or motivate good behavior.

Other statements — such as the old adage, "time heals all wounds" — are half-truths they heard growing up. When parents repeat them, they may not even realize that what they're saying is a lie. But they don't hold up, and they can harm your child's health, well-being, relationships, and career in the long run.

Fortunately, it's never too late to share a new message. Here are six common lies parents tell that can hold their kids back from success:

This phrase is often used to encourage children to work hard or pursue their dreams. But these words can backfire.  

If kids are told anything is possible, they may blame themselves when things don't go their way, or feel frustrated when their hard work doesn't pay off. 

It's better to be realistic. Redefine what success means. It's not always about crushing the goal; it's about having the courage to try. 

After all, this behavior has a negative connotation. Frequently, it's paired with bad manners, meanness, and narcissism.

But here's the truth: Selfishness isn't always bad. 

It's healthy for kids to prioritize themselves sometimes. Not sharing with a friend can be selfish, but rescheduling plans when they're tired is self-care. This is what psychologists call "healthy selfishness."  It can boost self-worth and well-being, both of which help kids thrive. 

Parents often say this because it's hard to see their child in pain, whether they're facing bad news or feeling upset about something. 

Sometimes, a positive attitude can help alleviate stress, especially when you're feeling anxious. But it doesn't fix everything. And telling kids to always adopt a sunny outlook isn't the healthiest message.

It conveys that false positivity is the way to deal with tough feelings. When kids feel down, sad, or scared, this advice invalidates what they're going through, and may make them feel like they need to hide or pretend. 

Let your kids know that "it's okay not to be okay." Acknowledge that life can be hard, and remind them that you'll be there to help them through any struggle, big or small. Having an honest conversation about difficult feelings strengthens your kid's emotional resilience.

Most parents strive to raise independent kids. But repeating this can imply that asking for help and relying on others isn't allowed. That it makes them weak or incompetent. It's a belief that can hold them back in school, friendships, and life.

A more balanced approach is to encourage age-appropriate independence and give your kids permission to ask for and accept help when they need it.

Kids who feel empowered to speak up don't shy away from relying on others, even as adults, enabling them to solve problems and cultivate reciprocal and nourishing relationships. 

Our society sometimes sends the message that expressing emotion, especially sadness, is immature or a character flaw.

When kids absorb these words, they start to associate sadness, fear, or anger with shame and guilt. Without permission to show emotions, they learn to block these brilliant messengers with defenses, such as avoidance, self-criticism, and perfectionism. 

When we're cut off from our emotions, we can't make decisions that serve us well. So even if your parents didn't welcome your tears, let your kids know that it's okay to cry. 

While being truthful is an important value, telling a white lie can be acceptable.  

Sometimes a family member gives odd birthday gifts, or insists on making everyone dinner, even though they can't cook. In these situations, it might be fine for you or your child to fib. Lies that protect someone else's feelings about harmless actions aren't bad. 

But teach your child the difference. Explain when it's okay to tell a white lie and why. You might say: "When you don't like grandma's cooking, it's okay to tell her it was delicious, so you don't hurt her feelings." 

It may sound counterintuitive, but discussing lying with your child encourages more honesty and trust in the long run.

Dr. Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with new parents. She is a co-author of the forthcoming book "Parents Have Feelings, Too." She also teaches workshops for expectant parents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) hospital, where she also supervises psychiatry residents. Follow her on Instagram @parentshavefeelingstoo.

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